A Little (more) Humor...

A terrorist hijacked a planeload of attorneys on their way to a bar convention... and threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met. "If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

You mean you don't know either?

What do you get when you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A whine cellar.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then the other.

"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, D.C.. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."

- Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One; the lawyer holds the bulb and the rest of the world revolves aroud him.

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?

Just say "Fees!"

What is a criminal laywer?


What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but, I repeat myself" - Mark Twain If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one...would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A local newspaper mistakenly reported that the town's oldest lawyer, Mr. Chritchely, had died. When the lawyer read the report, he called the newspaper and threatened to sue them if they did not immediately print a retraction.

The next day the following notice appeared in the paper: "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error."

Why do drug company laboratories prefer to use lawyers, rather than lab rats, for testing?

...Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them;

...Lab personnel don't get emotionally attached to lawyers;

...Lawyers will do things that rats won't;

...Animal protection groups don't get nearly as upset; and, 

...Some people actually LIKE rats.

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down, instead of the usual 6 feet?

Because, deep down, they are really good guys!

How many lawers does it take to change a light bulb? (redux)

How many can you afford?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a party. One of the doctor's patients walked up and asked for advice about his ulcer.  The doctor grudgingly responded. Afterwards he turned to the lawyer and asked, "What do you do when somebody asks for free advice like that?," to which the lawyer responded, "I send him a bill."

So, the next day the doctor sent the patient a bill for $50. That afternoon the doctor got a bill from the attorney for $100.

Why did God invent lawyers?

To give real estate agents someone to look down on.

 A young lawyer's client complained, "Your boss is a jerk! He bills me everytime he thinks of me."

To which the young lawyer responded:  "That's not true. Sometimes he bills you when he hasn't thought of you at all." 

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for years.  A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, the leech stops sucking your blood.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your ex-wife's attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.

Lawyer #1:  "You're a liar."

Lawyer #2:  "You'r a cheat."

Judge:  "Now that counsel have both been identified to the jury, let's move on with the case..."

 A man goes into a bar, clearly upset.  He sits down and orders a beer.  "What's wrong?" the bartender asks.  "Lawyers are assholes," the man says.   A redneck two seats down stands up and snarls, "Mister, ah take exception to that."  The man looks at him, rather confused, and asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"Nope," redneck says, "I'm an asshole."

What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?

He grows taller.

What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes

If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like. (There will be no charge for this advice.)